from my bed last night while i lay awake unable to sleep.
As i lay here in bed, listening to the summer rainfall,
my stomach is nauseas and i feel an awful ache in my heart,
with a some anxiousness for good measure.
Today was a very nice day.
i felt well mentally and was in a good place.
happy even and it felt so real and i knew it was. even if it was for just now.
the peaceful happiness lasted the better part of my day.
now here is is, hours later and i’m succumbed by the complete opposite of how I felt today.
feeling very sad and depressed. for no apparent reason. it just came on, as it usually does.
why after such a day of hope?
because my sadness, anxiety, fears and depression
are always there. they are a part of me and don’t go away.
just as the happiness, relaxation and peace i can feel.
sometimes an hour of one and then an hour of two.
sometimes, minutes of each. it’s never the same and i can’t plan it.
i am however learning to with live both, one along side the other.
most importantly, i’m not pushing and or ignoring the fear, sad and anxious side.
obviously i don’t like feeling them, it’s totally crushing, but i’ve learned
that it’s worse to pretend they don’t exist and push them away.
that’s when the severe depression and anxiety kick in and grab hold
and squeeze and i’m unable to breath.
that’s when thoughts of not wanting to be here start. that’s when i find i can’t fight my way out.
i now nurture both, the good and the bad. it’s not easy and is a daily if not hourly struggle.
so for now, as i lay here, trying to breath slow and and pay attention to what’s going presently,
i listen once more as rain continues to fall and the warmth of a sleeping dog beside me.
I write this not to get pity but to show that there are so many sides to having a mental illness such as severe depression and anxiety, especially
when dealing with a chronic disease. however i’m learning that accepting that this is ok. this is what is happening and getting angry or upset ( i do get this also) all the time will only make things worse as stated above. i’m ok and for anyone who is dealing with similar things… you’re ok.