monday’s musing…

“I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart”
~ Vincent Van Gogh ~

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friday’s musings…

Happy Friday all.. it’s been quite a week but I’m sitting on the porch,
sipping coffee and listening to the birds
while the smell of the woods and flowers surround me..
truly healing.

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friday’s musings..

my handsome French love in silhouette 

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thursday’s musings…

on and on it goes…

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Protected: tuesday’s musings….

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monday’s musings…

last week she came home to visit me for 4 days
and as usual we had lots of laughs, food and conversation.

already looking forward to seeing her 
either for my wedding or christmas, which may very well
end up happening around the same time. 

i can’t wait to have her has my maid of honor 🙂

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thursday’s musings..

from my bed last night while i lay awake unable to sleep.

**
As i lay here in bed, listening to the summer rainfall,
my stomach is nauseas and i feel an awful ache in my heart,
with a some anxiousness for good measure. 

**
Today was a very nice day. 
i felt well mentally and was in a good place. 
happy even and it felt so real and i knew it was. even if it was for just now. 
the peaceful happiness lasted the better part of my day. 

**
now here is is, hours later and i’m succumbed by the complete  opposite of how I felt today. 
feeling very sad and depressed. for no apparent reason. it just came on, as it usually does. 
why after such a day of hope?
because.
because my sadness, anxiety, fears and depression
are always there. they are a part of me and don’t go away.
just as the happiness, relaxation and peace i can feel. 
sometimes an hour of one and then an hour of two.
sometimes, minutes of each. it’s never the same and i can’t plan it.
i am however learning to with live both, one along side the other.
most importantly, i’m not pushing and or ignoring the fear, sad and anxious side.
obviously i don’t like feeling them, it’s totally crushing, but i’ve learned
that it’s worse to pretend they don’t exist and push them away. 
that’s when the severe depression and anxiety kick in and grab hold
and squeeze and i’m unable to breath.
that’s when thoughts of not wanting to be here start. that’s when i find i can’t fight my way out.
i now nurture both, the good and the bad. it’s not easy and is a daily if not hourly struggle.

**
so for now, as i lay here, trying to breath slow and and pay attention to what’s going presently,
i listen once more as rain continues to fall and the warmth of a sleeping dog beside me.

**

I write this not to get pity but to show that there are so many sides to having a mental illness such as severe depression and anxiety, especially 
when dealing with a chronic disease. however i’m learning that accepting that this is ok. this is what is happening and getting angry or upset ( i do get this also) all the time will only make things worse as stated above. i’m ok and for anyone who is dealing with similar things… you’re ok. 

Posted in Driving in my car, my life, My words Tagged |

thursday’s musings…

working hard at being present
to witness all I can.
appreciating all the while
even when sickness takes over,
my heart is full.

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monday’s musings…

every once in a while
I get glimpses of how
I used to be and how I felt
remnants of life before cancer,
knocking on the door of the present, asking not to be forgotten.
 
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thursday’s musings..

for a while i was struggling to resurrect the way i used to write prior to getting sick and the first couple of years of dealing with it. however through my readings of how other people manage creativity i’ve discovered it really is about accepting that the way we create can change, even if it is not your choice. the goal for me now is to come up with other ways to express how I feel while trying to be authentic and real in a world of perceived perfection. my writing is now a hodgepodge of what i’m able to present in the moment. whether its one word or a string of them. it’s an appreciation i’m only just now able to accept and to feel gratitude. 

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