Thankful for the rain that has come..
Happy Friday all.. it’s been quite a week but I’m sitting on the porch,
sipping coffee and listening to the birds
while the smell of the woods and flowers surround me..
last week she came home to visit me for 4 days
and as usual we had lots of laughs, food and conversation.
already looking forward to seeing her
either for my wedding or christmas, which may very well
end up happening around the same time.
i can’t wait to have her has my maid of honor 🙂
working hard at being present
to witness all I can.
appreciating all the while
even when sickness takes over,
my heart is full.
for a while i was struggling to resurrect the way i used to write prior to getting sick and the first couple of years of dealing with it. however through my readings of how other people manage creativity i’ve discovered it really is about accepting that the way we create can change, even if it is not your choice. the goal for me now is to come up with other ways to express how I feel while trying to be authentic and real in a world of perceived perfection. my writing is now a hodgepodge of what i’m able to present in the moment. whether its one word or a string of them. it’s an appreciation i’m only just now able to accept and to feel gratitude.
three of us,
chatting over muffins and coffee
while sitting in the screenedin porch
on this early spring morning
exactly what i needed
hopefully for them as well.
thursday i had the privilege of spending the day with my sister (pic taken around 6:30am on our way to portland). something we have not done in.. well I can’t remember how long. I was (not that I needed to be reminded) reminded of what a wonderful human being she is. Kelly is incredibly kind and one of the most compassionate people i know. we spent the day laughing and having great conversations and sharing memories. mind you I was a bit hopped up on anesthesia and pain meds for most of the time we spent together. you see she brought me down to maine medical for yet another procedure, thankfully only day surgery. however even with the surgery and being in pain it actually wasn’t a bad day at all and that’s in part to her. i can’t express my love and gratitude for this woman i’ve known all my life and who when together can talk and talk and talk.. i adore her and who she is. i also want to thank Nate who took the day off of work to be with the kids so she could drive me down and drive me back home.. they both started their day with the littlest vomiting and being sick and he drove a bunch of kids on a school field trip.
this sickness of mine has been 6 1/2 years going now.. it’s certainly a long ass haul and one that I’d be most happy to be down with.. although it doesn’t appear that i will be anytime soon. it’s not an easy road being with someone or having someone in your family who has major health issues. this also includes friends. i can’t tell you how many missed birthday’s, family get togethers, trips, visiting my french love Yann and his family, not being able to see Hayley as much and missing dinners and outings with my dear friends in the coffee girls group .. it’s extremely disappointing for sure. most of you know i’ve been battling severe depression and anxiety, but without the patience, love and support you’ve all shown me, I know I wouldn’t have made it this far. and thank you as well to anyone in my life who has been touched by my cancers and subsequent procedures and complications. i am truly grateful..
may seem strange to write a letter to a porch but this porch means so many things to me that i felt this sacred place of mine needed to be thanked.
its that time of year again. the time when i have to make you ready for the long winter. i’ve already long brought in the plants. now i have to find places to store the games. take in the table cloth and candles. plastic is now covering your screens to protect you from the cold winds and snow. i have left a part of those screens open for those moments when i need to feel the caress of winter’s wind along with serenity and peace that only you, my beloved porch can bring.
i will miss my morning coffee in the early morning light. listening to the songs of birds
as they breakfast at the feeder. the hummingbirds left sometime in september and i think i will miss them most of all. at least until they return next year.
you have been my most trusted friend and ally. always there when i need comfort. i’ve
hung memories from visits to other places from your rafters and lit candles and fairy lights at night as i watch the glow bugs across the way. on days when i’m sitting in my comfy chair feeling less then optimal i know i can be soothed. you with screens and until recently open walls have been what has kept me sane on the most trying of days and weeks. i can breathe and feel whole.
i’ll still go out and visit, in my long warm bathrobe, mittened hands around hot coffee in a mug and a hand knit hat on my head. my scarf will keep my neck warm as i breath out puffs of cold air and try to capture the morning light that will dawn later and later each day. i’ll enjoy the smell of wood smoke and snow, until its just too cold to do so.
thank you for all these moments and the moments to come.
here are some of the scenes from this past season..