spring.. in all its green glory
three of us,
chatting over muffins and coffee
while sitting in the screenedin porch
on this early spring morning
exactly what i needed
hopefully for them as well.
thursday i had the privilege of spending the day with my sister (pic taken around 6:30am on our way to portland). something we have not done in.. well I can’t remember how long. I was (not that I needed to be reminded) reminded of what a wonderful human being she is. Kelly is incredibly kind and one of the most compassionate people i know. we spent the day laughing and having great conversations and sharing memories. mind you I was a bit hopped up on anesthesia and pain meds for most of the time we spent together. you see she brought me down to maine medical for yet another procedure, thankfully only day surgery. however even with the surgery and being in pain it actually wasn’t a bad day at all and that’s in part to her. i can’t express my love and gratitude for this woman i’ve known all my life and who when together can talk and talk and talk.. i adore her and who she is. i also want to thank Nate who took the day off of work to be with the kids so she could drive me down and drive me back home.. they both started their day with the littlest vomiting and being sick and he drove a bunch of kids on a school field trip.
this sickness of mine has been 6 1/2 years going now.. it’s certainly a long ass haul and one that I’d be most happy to be down with.. although it doesn’t appear that i will be anytime soon. it’s not an easy road being with someone or having someone in your family who has major health issues. this also includes friends. i can’t tell you how many missed birthday’s, family get togethers, trips, visiting my french love Yann and his family, not being able to see Hayley as much and missing dinners and outings with my dear friends in the coffee girls group .. it’s extremely disappointing for sure. most of you know i’ve been battling severe depression and anxiety, but without the patience, love and support you’ve all shown me, I know I wouldn’t have made it this far. and thank you as well to anyone in my life who has been touched by my cancers and subsequent procedures and complications. i am truly grateful..
may seem strange to write a letter to a porch but this porch means so many things to me that i felt this sacred place of mine needed to be thanked.
its that time of year again. the time when i have to make you ready for the long winter. i’ve already long brought in the plants. now i have to find places to store the games. take in the table cloth and candles. plastic is now covering your screens to protect you from the cold winds and snow. i have left a part of those screens open for those moments when i need to feel the caress of winter’s wind along with serenity and peace that only you, my beloved porch can bring.
i will miss my morning coffee in the early morning light. listening to the songs of birds
as they breakfast at the feeder. the hummingbirds left sometime in september and i think i will miss them most of all. at least until they return next year.
you have been my most trusted friend and ally. always there when i need comfort. i’ve
hung memories from visits to other places from your rafters and lit candles and fairy lights at night as i watch the glow bugs across the way. on days when i’m sitting in my comfy chair feeling less then optimal i know i can be soothed. you with screens and until recently open walls have been what has kept me sane on the most trying of days and weeks. i can breathe and feel whole.
i’ll still go out and visit, in my long warm bathrobe, mittened hands around hot coffee in a mug and a hand knit hat on my head. my scarf will keep my neck warm as i breath out puffs of cold air and try to capture the morning light that will dawn later and later each day. i’ll enjoy the smell of wood smoke and snow, until its just too cold to do so.
thank you for all these moments and the moments to come.
here are some of the scenes from this past season..
happy birthday (second birthday) to me. it’s been two years since my stem cell transplant. that evening the nurse who was with me said i now have two birthdays. my regular one and now this one. although to be exact this second birthday is on feb 29th.. leap year. but i’ll still say i’m “two” today. i’ll make some gingerbread cake to celebrate.
i still remember that night… anxiously waiting to hear that the plane landed ok and the person who had my new life in a cooler was on their way to the hospital. we had snow so it was already delayed but thankfully they finally came and the hospital prepared it. it was finally delivered to my room and my nurse hung up what hayley described as pink daiquiri (or some sort of cocktail) in a bag. i do remember how she, hayley, was taking pics of the stem cells and of me and then she wanted one of both of us. the nurse happily said yes and while she wasn’t supposed to, hayley, with her required face mask still on crawled into bed with me to have the pic taken. she stayed overnight and slept on the little bench thing/couch in the room. when i woke up in the early morning she was in her usual frog position. seeing this, in the early light, with my new life ahead of me was pretty overwhelming to say the least. to top it off, hayley came during her mid term finals so the fact that she was there during this time was even more poignant.
all in all while i’ve had some issues with my transplant and the last year has been a bit rough, i feel pretty lucky to have had this second chance. for without these generously offered stem cells, i may not have had..
i’m also eternally grateful for my french Love, Yann, my mom and my sister. All of whom have seen more then they should have and still love me and continue to take care of me. Friends and family who live far and wide have provided support that at times come unexpectedly and funny enough, at just the right moments, the times when i need that nudge to keep going and remain as positive as i can.
my life isn’t was i thought it would be and i can’t say for sure anymore what the future holds, but i do know that i will continue along this journey and will try my damnedest to see things in a positive light and along with faith and grace i will be the best i can be.