Category Archives: Driving in my car

thursday’s musings..

from my bed last night while i lay awake unable to sleep.

As i lay here in bed, listening to the summer rainfall,
my stomach is nauseas and i feel an awful ache in my heart,
with a some anxiousness for good measure. 

Today was a very nice day. 
i felt well mentally and was in a good place. 
happy even and it felt so real and i knew it was. even if it was for just now. 
the peaceful happiness lasted the better part of my day. 

now here is is, hours later and i’m succumbed by the complete  opposite of how I felt today. 
feeling very sad and depressed. for no apparent reason. it just came on, as it usually does. 
why after such a day of hope?
because my sadness, anxiety, fears and depression
are always there. they are a part of me and don’t go away.
just as the happiness, relaxation and peace i can feel. 
sometimes an hour of one and then an hour of two.
sometimes, minutes of each. it’s never the same and i can’t plan it.
i am however learning to with live both, one along side the other.
most importantly, i’m not pushing and or ignoring the fear, sad and anxious side.
obviously i don’t like feeling them, it’s totally crushing, but i’ve learned
that it’s worse to pretend they don’t exist and push them away. 
that’s when the severe depression and anxiety kick in and grab hold
and squeeze and i’m unable to breath.
that’s when thoughts of not wanting to be here start. that’s when i find i can’t fight my way out.
i now nurture both, the good and the bad. it’s not easy and is a daily if not hourly struggle.

so for now, as i lay here, trying to breath slow and and pay attention to what’s going presently,
i listen once more as rain continues to fall and the warmth of a sleeping dog beside me.


I write this not to get pity but to show that there are so many sides to having a mental illness such as severe depression and anxiety, especially 
when dealing with a chronic disease. however i’m learning that accepting that this is ok. this is what is happening and getting angry or upset ( i do get this also) all the time will only make things worse as stated above. i’m ok and for anyone who is dealing with similar things… you’re ok. 

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Decided to visit a road on my way back from ECP Treatment last week ( I have a 90 min drive each way). I’ve wanted to check it out for a while and I’m so glad I did.. found a lovely path to China Lake… ended up being a much needed stop for fresh air and peace.

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Hello Again..

Wow.. I can’t believe its been so long since I’ve had a post. I think I needed a much needed break, without even realizing it.

A quick update on things.. my stem cell transplant is going well. In fact my doc’s say I should be the poster girl for how well these transplants go. Having said that, there still are many tests and milestones to go before I am in the clear. I do still have a lot of fatigue and having days of not feeling well at all. Its also starting to get difficult to not be able to do things I am used to do. Having said all that.. I did have a birthday last week and really feel very grateful for this birthday and for the people who are in my life. They have been by my side through everything and I can’t imagine how it would have been had they not. The biggest thank you and person I am grateful for is my generous stem cell donor.  I am a very lucky lady to be here today.. also thanks for everyone who has followed my over the years and for anyone knew who is following along.

Since I’m so far behind I thought rather then make this blog huge with pics I will post images from the last few weeks though out this week. I may speak about them, I may not. I may post cell phone images or DSLR images. I know that I will give myself some slack about how I think I should be posting so I can just allow myself to post.

The following images were taken at Pemaquid Point on the coast here in Maine. I was feeling very well that day so decided to take a drive. It was beautiful here on the coast. The breeze and salty air were balms for my body. I feel tired when I got back home but very much better for it.

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A Jaunt to Reid State Park..

Last week I had a couple of good days.. yay for good days! So me and my friend Shelly went to Reid State Park which is along the coast here in Maine. It was a beautiful day there. The warm sun and refreshing breezes helped to clear out the winter chill that had taken up residence in my body. Here are a few scenes from that day..

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Saturday Fun..

This past weekend I spent the day with a good friend driving to two beaches, walking around Boston getting some tasty treats with a final destination of Portsmouth where we walked a bit more, drank some coffee and visited a couple of art galleries. I was pretty exhausted by the end of the day but it was a day filled with many sights, smells and laughter. Exactly what I needed.. here are some images from that day.

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A Trip to Elmer’s Barn..

There’s a neat place here in Maine called Elmer’s Barn, an antique/junk store which is located on rt 17 in Cooper’s Mills. Earlier this week myself and a close friend went to visit this 4 story barn that is stocked to the gills with relics from days gone past. It has a little bit of everything you can imagine and then some… a bit over priced on quite a lot of the items for sale but I was able to find a few things, mostly old photographs and old magazines for a quite reasonable price of $1.-$2.00 a piece.

I love visiting places like this because you never know what you may find long since hidden or where the visual cues that surround will take you. Looking at all these past remembrances of days gone by you feel like you stepped back into another time and at times, especially here in Elmer’s Barn, another reality.

While looking around I got curious and opened a drawer in an old bureau and found this print of the Mona Lisa laying there.. which happened to be an interesting coincidence, i.e inside story between me and my friend..

All in all it was a pretty fun trip back in time.. here are a few more images from that day..


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Foggy Autumn Morning..

Some more scenes of fall here in Maine.. taken on Head Tide road in Alna..



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Loving the Salty Air..

Last weekend I took a drive to 5 Islands in Georgetown. I forgot how much I love being on the ocean.. the smells and sounds always help to calm me. I always wished I could live right on the ocean with the woods for my backyard seeing as how I love being in the woods just a much.. ah well.. at least I have one of them.. for now I’ll just get my ocean fix from visiting.. at least I don’t have to go to far for the aroma of salt air..

As we were there a thunderstorm was moving in. We decided to make our way home however we still got caught in it. While driving through the storm we came across this beautiful rainbow and while I didn’t find a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.. it was a lovely way to end our trip to the coast..

~ peace ~

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Sunday Scenes…

Went for a lovely drive yesterday with a friend up to Farmington here in Maine.. it was a treat to get away for a few hours and not be the one actually driving :).. here’s a few things we saw that peaked our interest…

Hope everyone had a great weekend as well..
~ peace ~

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Catching Waves…

Last week was one that full of many emotions which ranged from all over the spectrum due to the two tests I had to determine where the cancer is thus far. I did get some news on Friday but won’t have everything until Wednesday of this week so I am waiting until then before announcing what the results are.

After having been sick as a dog for the past two weeks on top of what went on this past week I thought it was best to get out today so I decided to take a long drive and ended up at York Beach. I knew I needed the healing powers of the ocean but I wasn’t sure just where I would end up. I ended up exactly where I needed to be. It was a beautiful day on the water and the salty air and cool breezes were oh so welcoming. They helped clear some of the static fog from my head, aided in mending my body and loosened up some of the tightness in my heart. For the first time in a long time I felt relaxed and at peace. It was heavenly.

I happened upon some surfers who were catching some amazing waves.. evidentially from the latest hurricane known as Igor that will be coming off shore. They were breathtaking to watch.. these men and women who catch those waves. I must have been there close to an hour watching them in their glory. I felt like I’ve been catching waves myself.. although not like these ones however still very similar as you’re still trying to get on top of them and ride them out and although you know that at any moment you will, and do at times get pulled under. However, you always get back up to ride and catch another one. I realize now why I was so mesmerized by them.. they are the metaphor for what life has been like for me these past six months.. I know that over the next month I will be keeping a watch on when the big waves are coming and go on down again to York beach to watch those surfers do their thing again while I do mine.

I always forget how the ocean has restorative powers. I intend to be visiting the coastline for this form of nature’s healing remedy.

Hopefully can you as well…

~ Peace ~

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