In simplicity, we find beauty.
seeing beauty in the changing of seasons.. the golds,
oranges and reds that come out first.
then slowly these colors fade, and petals are withered on stems growing weak.
even in this autumnal stage
there is grace.
“Your soul knows the geography of your destiny.
Your soul alone has the map of your future,
therefore you can trust this indirect, oblique side of yourself.
If you do, it will take you where you need to go,
but more important it will teach you a kindness of rhythm in your journey.”
~ John O’Donohue ~
26 years ago today this beautiful (inside and out) human was born..
she stole my heart then and still has it today.
To say I’m proud of all she has done and gone through would be an understatement..
from my bed last night while i lay awake unable to sleep.
As i lay here in bed, listening to the summer rainfall,
my stomach is nauseas and i feel an awful ache in my heart,
with a some anxiousness for good measure.
Today was a very nice day.
i felt well mentally and was in a good place.
happy even and it felt so real and i knew it was. even if it was for just now.
the peaceful happiness lasted the better part of my day.
now here is is, hours later and i’m succumbed by the complete opposite of how I felt today.
feeling very sad and depressed. for no apparent reason. it just came on, as it usually does.
why after such a day of hope?
because my sadness, anxiety, fears and depression
are always there. they are a part of me and don’t go away.
just as the happiness, relaxation and peace i can feel.
sometimes an hour of one and then an hour of two.
sometimes, minutes of each. it’s never the same and i can’t plan it.
i am however learning to with live both, one along side the other.
most importantly, i’m not pushing and or ignoring the fear, sad and anxious side.
obviously i don’t like feeling them, it’s totally crushing, but i’ve learned
that it’s worse to pretend they don’t exist and push them away.
that’s when the severe depression and anxiety kick in and grab hold
and squeeze and i’m unable to breath.
that’s when thoughts of not wanting to be here start. that’s when i find i can’t fight my way out.
i now nurture both, the good and the bad. it’s not easy and is a daily if not hourly struggle.
so for now, as i lay here, trying to breath slow and and pay attention to what’s going presently,
i listen once more as rain continues to fall and the warmth of a sleeping dog beside me.
I write this not to get pity but to show that there are so many sides to having a mental illness such as severe depression and anxiety, especially
when dealing with a chronic disease. however i’m learning that accepting that this is ok. this is what is happening and getting angry or upset ( i do get this also) all the time will only make things worse as stated above. i’m ok and for anyone who is dealing with similar things… you’re ok.
“Learning to let go should be learned before learning to get.
Life should be touched, not strangled.
You’ve got to relax, let it happen at times,
and at others move forward with it.”
~ Ray Bradbury ~
calms my fractured nerves
puts right the chaos
that allows me to hear
sweet sounds amidst the roar
another trip to boston for appts..
i usually go every month to every two months.
started to take more photos
taking my time
to be present, in what’s around
and showing moments,
while keeping my anxiety
about my appts
with a creative outlet.