Category Archives: My words

thursday’s musings..

from my bed last night while i lay awake unable to sleep.

**
As i lay here in bed, listening to the summer rainfall,
my stomach is nauseas and i feel an awful ache in my heart,
with a some anxiousness for good measure. 

**
Today was a very nice day. 
i felt well mentally and was in a good place. 
happy even and it felt so real and i knew it was. even if it was for just now. 
the peaceful happiness lasted the better part of my day. 

**
now here is is, hours later and i’m succumbed by the complete  opposite of how I felt today. 
feeling very sad and depressed. for no apparent reason. it just came on, as it usually does. 
why after such a day of hope?
because.
because my sadness, anxiety, fears and depression
are always there. they are a part of me and don’t go away.
just as the happiness, relaxation and peace i can feel. 
sometimes an hour of one and then an hour of two.
sometimes, minutes of each. it’s never the same and i can’t plan it.
i am however learning to with live both, one along side the other.
most importantly, i’m not pushing and or ignoring the fear, sad and anxious side.
obviously i don’t like feeling them, it’s totally crushing, but i’ve learned
that it’s worse to pretend they don’t exist and push them away. 
that’s when the severe depression and anxiety kick in and grab hold
and squeeze and i’m unable to breath.
that’s when thoughts of not wanting to be here start. that’s when i find i can’t fight my way out.
i now nurture both, the good and the bad. it’s not easy and is a daily if not hourly struggle.

**
so for now, as i lay here, trying to breath slow and and pay attention to what’s going presently,
i listen once more as rain continues to fall and the warmth of a sleeping dog beside me.

**

I write this not to get pity but to show that there are so many sides to having a mental illness such as severe depression and anxiety, especially 
when dealing with a chronic disease. however i’m learning that accepting that this is ok. this is what is happening and getting angry or upset ( i do get this also) all the time will only make things worse as stated above. i’m ok and for anyone who is dealing with similar things… you’re ok. 

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friday’s musings..

“Learning to let go should be learned before learning to get.
Life should be touched, not strangled.
You’ve got to relax, let it happen at times,
and at others move forward with it.”
~ Ray Bradbury ~

monday musings…

the quiet 
calms my fractured nerves
puts right the chaos
that allows me to hear
sweet sounds amidst the roar

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doc appts…

last week
another trip to boston for appts..
i usually go every month to every two months.
started to take more photos 
while there.
taking my time
to be present, in what’s around
and showing moments,
while keeping my anxiety
about my appts
in check 
with a creative outlet.

 

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tuesday musings…

tuesday morning thoughts:
 
the quiet before.
afraid of the storm outside,
or the one within?

 
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monday musing…

needing some color
amidst the white and grey

red and white.. how well these colors go together.. 
especially when the white is freshly fallen snow
and the red is beautiful iron work.

the quiet beckons
pockets of peace linger round
breath in, sooth the mind

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happy summer…

peonies in bloom
layers of soft pink petals
subtle, their perfume

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love to orlando…

we shed tears for those lost,
ache for the friends and family
to deal with the aftermath.
the only solace i can take amidst all this grief
is to know that even within these tragedies
there are people who will help heal.
they will step forth to show us light
and attest that love and kindness
still exist.
we just have to look under
all the darkness to find it.

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